Excerpt - Cracking the Parenting Code by: Laura Lee Heinsohn

Over the next several posts I will be sharing parts of Chapter 3 of Laura's book, Cracking the Parenting Code: 6 Clues to Solving the Mystery of Meeting Your Child's Needs.

Chapter 3 - Beneath the Surface: Digging into the Past Reveals Keys for the Future

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties. -Psalm 139:23

How you make sense of your childhood experiences has a profound effect on how you parent your own children. --Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out

Sometimes the keys to figuring out our children's needs lie in our own childhoods. You're probably wondering, What does my childhood have to do with connecting with my children? If we never make sense of our childhood experiences, the consequences are likely to affect our own children, whether we realize it or not. Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell explain it like this:

If you had a difficult childhood but have not come to make sense of those experiences, your are not bound to re-create the same negative interactions with your own children. Without such self-understanding, however, science has shown that history will likely repeat itself, as negative patterns of family interactions are passed down through the generations. -- Parenting from the Inside Out

Having coached many parents, I have seen this to be true. People come into the workshop with either a chip on their shoulder toward their parents, or as soon as they left childhood they never looked back. Many who have had difficult childhoods don't even realize that they are carrying around baggage. Siegel and Hartzell elaborate:

When we become parents we are given an incredible opportunity to grow as individuals because we ourselves are put back into an intimate parent-child relationship, this time in a different role. So many times parents have said, "I never thought I'd do or say the very things to my children that felt hurtful to me when I was a child. And yet I find myself doing exactly that." Parents can feel stuck in repetitive, unproductive patterns that don't support the loving, nurturing relationship they envisioned when they began their roles as parents. Making sense of life can fee parents from patterns of the past that have imprisoned them in the present. -- Parenting from the Inside Out

Through observing and making sense of our past we can improve the present and our children's future. I wish I'd learned this truth when my children were little; however, I discovered it's never too late. I also discovered that making sense of my seemingly senseless past held some very important clues to restoration and healing.

Breaking the Circle by K.R. Pinkston

Who needs Mother’s Day? Every spring we hear the same commercials, urging children of all ages to purchase a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers and, of course, the obligatory card. Mothers will be celebrated for giving life and bearing years of sacrifices to raise their children. I will give my mother a gift, and my child will give me a gift. The circle of life.

I did not think I needed that reminder, but that was before I heard Mara’s story. She broke the circle of life.

“It wasn’t supposed to be that way,” she told me one day. Her eyes fixated on a row of drawings that I had taped on the kitchen door. On Mother’s Day I will get another drawing, maybe two, from our son depicting maybe a house, some flowers and a tree. Oh yes – I almost forgot – somewhere on the picture will be a Pokemon. In his mind, you have to draw a Pokemon whenever you can.

Mara shook her head. “We wanted to have two kids. Well, at least two. Gosh, we wasted a bunch of money on all sorts of fertility treatments. Nothing worked. Nothing whatsoever.” She sighed and took a sip of coffee. “It wasn’t supposed to be.”

I chewed my lips. Should I tell her that we also wanted to have two kids? Tell her that I understood her feelings? But how could I understand her if I was blessed with a child? “I’m sorry,” I said instead.

“No, it’s fine now.” Mara forced a smile. “Really. Chris and I love our freedom. We try to see the positive side of not having to raise kids. It’s just difficult sometimes when you live in a military community, you know.”

I nodded. I knew exactly what she meant. “Yes, a lot of pregnant young women and little kids everywhere.”

Mara nodded and pointed at the drawings. “What on earth are those little creatures supposed to be?”

This conversation happened months ago, but I cannot get it out of my mind. I know there are many women who wish to hold a baby in their arms. You pray and plead with God. You swallow tablets, herbs, a cocktail of daily vitamins and teas. You try acupuncture, yoga, ovulation prediction kits, and chart your temperatures. You crave a cup of coffee in the morning but drink water instead. Just in case. Every month you hold onto the straw. Then the blood comes and with it the tears.

Often, you suffer this hurt in secret. You can eat, sleep and think. You are healthy and smart. Who needs to know that you cannot get pregnant? Instead, you smile and tell people that you are still working on your career, that you have decided to wait a few more years and that you are happy right now.

I know. I used to be one of those women.

On Mother’s Day I would give my mom a bouquet of flowers and wish her a happy day. That was it. No card, no hugs, no drawings for me. Every year she would say that I should not have spent the money and that Mother’s Day was just a big commercial fuss.

Yes, I needed Mara’s reminder. Being able to give birth to a child is not a given fact of a woman’s life. It is a blessing. Many women will hug their mothers this month, grateful for all the sacrifices and challenges their mothers have endured. Many will be praying this month that one day their own child will hug them.

My heart goes out to all of you who wish to become mothers. May God answer your prayers.

Why Has This Happened? By K.R. Pinkston

The parents are shocked. They never imagined that their son would be capable of doing such a horrendous thing.

After reading this in the German magazine “Der Spiegel” I cannot get it out of my mind. Of course, no parent ever imagines that their child goes out and kills others, and I am no exception. Still I worry. Our son is happy, friendly and plays tennis – not much unlike the 17-year-old who caused a wave of shock and disbelief. On March 11, 2009, Tim went to his former school with a pistol and killed 9 students, 3 teachers, and 3 additional adults before killing himself.

I have read about school shootings before, but never has anything like that happened so close to where we are stationed here in Germany. Now I know that school shootings are not events you read about in the newspaper before you go and fold the laundry.

Tim comes from a Christian family, I heard a pastor say on the radio, and Tim will receive a Christian burial without any media coverage. I cannot imagine the mental anguish that Tim’s parents, sister and grandparents feel. The parents and grandparents have apologized for Tim’s actions, and yet they are forever searching for answers.

What have they done wrong? Could they have prevented the shootings? Why have they failed their child?

I know I make mistakes in parenting. I know I fail my child, not consciously, not intentionally, but it happens. What must I do now to prevent my own son from ending up on the wrong path?
The pastor had some answers. He said that parents must make sure that their child receives unconditional love, just as God loves every one of us. Children should not have to earn love from their parents. No matter what grades the child brings home, no matter if the child disobeys, no matter if the child is in real trouble: each child must know that their home is a safe haven, where they receive love and encouragement.

This does not mean that children should not be taught boundaries. We all must learn to live within society’s rules. In addition, the pastor stressed that parents must talk with their children. Talk about their feelings, their wishes, their troubles and ambitions. We must know what is going on in their lives, so we can reach out and guide them.

Well, we do that in our home, I thought, until I focused on our daily conversations. Yes, we talk a lot during the day, but what are we talking about?

Me: Did you pack your lunch, please put on your play pants, make sure you’re back for dinner, did you practice your spelling words, what did you play with Katie today, please turn off the TV and clean up your room.

Child: Can I go and play outside, where are my favorite socks, the teacher gave us easy homework today, my library books are overdue, I can’t find my roller skates and I know I put them in the closet.

We do have meaningful conversations about feelings, wishes and troubles, but not as often as I thought. I am worried, and I have changed that. Every minute counts, no matter if we talk in the car, on the way to school or cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.

Does my son like to talk about his feelings? No! I wonder what other mothers (particular moms with boys) say or do to encourage their children to talk about their emotions. In the meantime I keep trying. It is important to me that my child can come to me and talk about his problems and worries when he is an adolescent. I must lay those foundations right now. I just hope I find the right words to encourage him to express his feelings.

Perhaps the pastor’s answers are too simple for a very complex situation. Unconditional love and meaningful conversation may not be enough to rid the world of young people who will inflict harm upon others; however, I am convinced it is a start in the right direction.

I do not know if Tim received unconditional love. I do not know if Tim’s parents wish they had talked with their son more often. I just know that I must do my best to help that our child grows into a happy and loving man, who is an asset to society.

Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice: Military Deployments Difficult for Children

Sunday March 22, 2009

Military Deployments Difficult For Children
Sylvia Rimm

Q. I have been on your Web site and could not find anything on the topic of military deployments and children. I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and we have weathered three one-year long deployments successfully. We have a 3-year-old little boy and this will be our first deployment with a child. A year without a daddy is far from ideal and I am worried. When I think about it, my heart breaks for him. I had to build a callus over my heart to live in these cycles of deployments. Yes, I know that "people do it all the time," and that "children are resilient," and most "turn out fine." I am searching for advice on what to do before deployment, during deployment and after deployment that will maximize my son's mental health. I want this year to have the least damaging effect as possible. Do you have advice?

A. Thanks for bringing this omission to my attention. I will not only answer your question, and place it on my Web site, but I'll invite other military families to write in their questions on my Web site and prioritize answering their questions. It is a small way in which I can express my appreciation to our troops and to their families for the sacrifices they're making for our country.

You are correct that "children are resilient" and most "turn out fine," but nevertheless this will be a difficult time for you, your husband and your son. Your most important priority is to build a support system for yourself and your son. Finding close family members and friends with whom you can socialize and celebrate holidays and birthdays is crucial. If there are other military families with one parent away on deployment, that can help your little guy to not feel so alone without his daddy.

Before your husband leaves, help him put together a book of pictures and messages you'll be able to share with your son a page at a time while his dad isn't able to communicate with him. For example, there can be Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, first day of spring pages, so that in case there are long periods of time that you can't actually communicate there will be greetings and stories you can share with your son from his dad. While your husband is gone, cell phone calls, e-mails and pictures sent both ways can help your husband feel close to your son's growing up and can help your son understand what his daddy is doing and where he is. You can involve your little guy in sending care packages to his dad as well. Talk to your son about his daddy for a little while each day. While you can express how much you miss his daddy and how much daddy misses you both, be reasonably matter-of-fact about it, although occasional tears are also good emotions to express.

Finally, about a month before your husband comes home, it can be time to start counting days off on a calendar to get ready for the hugs and kisses that you and your son yearn for. Blending dad back into the family can be somewhat difficult, but if you don't make significant changes in routine for the year that dad is gone, then you won't have to make huge changes when he returns. Also, if you've managed to keep your husband updated on your son's development, it will be somewhat smoother for him to adjust to coming home.

For a free newsletter about "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Another Confession

In our women's Bible study someone asked the question what is your pride and joy. I answered, "Mine is obvious: Brent."

One of the other ladies commented that Chris should be on that list, too. But, I knew in my heart that I couldn't put him on that list. I had stopped thinking of Chris as my pride and joy years ago. Perhaps that got lost in the 12 years (almost 13) since his birth. I know I was in love with him when he was born.

I feel as though Brent has given me a new lease on life.

At the time Chris was born, we had been through a whirlwind of things. We had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, gotten married, moved in with my MIL. I had to step out of my church activities for disciplinary reasons--I guess because I had sinned I wasn't worthy to be part of them anymore (I don't believe I even managed to live that down). I wasn't allowed to play in the band, sing in the choir, sing solos...until Chris was born. What had been my entire live up until that point had been stripped away.

As Chris grew older, I fell back on some old, firmly-ingrained habits. My mother had died when I was 9 and my younger brother was 5. With her death I took on kind of a mother role with my brother...but he was still my brother. I often saw him as a nuisance. That was the kind of attitude I had with Chris. More of a brotherly nuisance than a child of mine, because that's the only experience I had.

As I reflect back on how I raised Chris in his younger years, I'm continually amazed at how well Chris has turned out. Of course, I matured over the years, but still those early years were the most formative and, yet, Chris doesn't seem any the worse for wear.

But, I still feel as though I do love Brent more than Chris. I'm very proud of Chris and enjoy spending time with him and I do love him. But, it's not the same kind of adoration I have for Brent. Perhaps in a different way. I get along with Chris fine, so that's not really it. But, I knew when that friend wondered why Chris wasn't on that list, that emotionally I was not on the same level as I was with Brent. Perhaps because that bond is still very deep with Brent, and it's kind of waned with Chris as he grew older.

Anyway....anybody have the same dilemma with their multiple children?

Teaching Scripture Memory to Children - By Ruth L. Snyder

“Lord, I need help! How can I encourage all of my children to memorize your word? Better yet, how can I help them think about your word throughout the day?” One summer I decided that I would like to focus more on Scripture memory with my children. After all, God’s Word is (or should be) central to all I think, say, and do. As a Christian parent, I believe one of my responsibilities is teaching my children about God and His Word. At the time, I had four children ranging in age from 9 down to 4. They had differing abilities to concentrate and memorize. Only my 9-year-old could read.

As I prayed, I thought about some of the strategies that I use as a piano teacher. For instance, practicing a little bit each day produces better results than oodles of practice on one or two days. I also remembered a challenge one of my Bible college professors gave to friends and parents as my choir left for a tour – “whenever you brush your teeth, pray for the choir.”

After thinking and praying, I came up with a plan. I chose a Psalm to work on as a family. I typed each verse of the Psalm onto the computer along with a picture clue. Then the verses were printed and pasted onto individual pieces of cardboard. For the next few days, every time we sat down to eat, I read the first verse while my children listened and followed on the verse card. Sometimes the children asked questions and we discussed the verse. I also explained individual words and the meaning of the verse as a whole. This form of Scripture memory took very little time and became part of our daily routine. Within a matter of days, all of the children were able to repeat the verse. We continued the pattern throughout the summer. Once the whole family mastered a verse, we moved on to the next verse. Some days we were not as consistent as other days. However, by the end of the summer, we had most of the Psalm memorized.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 talks about teaching our children wherever we are throughout the day. Although this is a challenge in our busy world, it is possible. Start small, and keep building. God’s Word is one of the richest treasures we can share with our children. Scripture memory will help them throughout their lives. Try it, you’ll like it!