Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice - Sunday April 19, 2009

Child With Differences Can Find Friends

Q. We have three children, an 11-year-old boy, 8-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy. Our oldest child is one of the youngest kids in his suburban middle school's sixth-grade class. He's in gifted classes, is quite mature and gets straight A's. Our family believes in eating organic food, living environmentally consciously and not watching TV (except for an occasional cartoon or educational program). We strictly limit video games in terms of type and usage time. There are many things that set my 11-year-old apart from his peers. I'm noticing that as he begins his middle-school experience, his differences with his peers are increasing, and I'm concerned about how this will impact his middle-school (and down the line, high school) experiences.

Do you have any thoughts on how we, as parents, can help him navigate these difficult years so that he will come out of them on the other side with his self-esteem and curiosity intact? I believe my 11-year-old would thrive in a small liberal arts college where he could pick and choose his classes, have the luxury of delving into areas of interest, questioning everything to his heart's desire, and where his individuality would be nurtured and cherished.

A. Although your son's environment is different than the majority of children in his school, I'm sure he's not the only child whose family has reduced the media impact on their children. On the other hand, media impact affects all children whether they have direct exposure or only hear what their peers are talking about. It's likely that your son does feel different in many ways and may even feel pressured to know more about the world of his peers.

Because there are others who share your son's interests and aren't as media driven, it will be helpful if he can find a small group of like-minded peers. There may be extracurricular activities, sports, or religious groups where he can feel like he has more similarities than differences, or at least where his differences don't seem important and he's valued more for himself. If he does find such a group, he's likely to be able to navigate the rough waters of middle, high school and college comfortably. That doesn't mean he won't feel some peer pressure or have some difficult times, but they are only part of growing up and hopefully will help him to become stronger and more resilient. While every child needs some protection from environmental pressures, it's best that he experiences some problems now while he's still at home to receive parental support.

While a small liberal arts college may be your son's choice, he may also respond well to a large university where he can find a neighborhood of close friends who, again, share his values. It's too soon to determine the best fit for college, but colleges today, regardless of size, treat students as adults and expect them to take responsibility for their learning and requirements without parental assistance. Your son has quite a few years to develop the independence that he'll need in college, and his being a little younger shouldn't pose a disadvantage for him in light of his good progress at this time.

For free newsletters about keys to parenting your gifted child, choosing a college, or growing up too fast for middle schoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read other parenting articles at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice - Wednesday April 1, 2009

Manipulations After Divorce Are Tricky
Sylvia Rimm Q. My ex and I have been divorced for two years and our kids are now 3 and 5 years old. We currently have a nearly 60/40 split with parenting time. The kids are with me 60 percent of the time. However, my 5-year-old has expressed that she wants more time with her father and is mad at me for not letting her have more and for "not sharing with daddy." My question is, should I go to a more 50/50 split so our kids can see him more? I feel like I'm competing with him and his girlfriend for the love of the kids and it's depressing. If we go to 50/50, how does that affect the kids when they're in school? Thanks for your insight.

A. My best guess is that your 5-year-old daughter has been coached with her lines to you, and that seems like uncomfortable manipulation. Why not talk to your ex and explain that you'd rather not change any official agreements because of your concerns about school years, but that you'd be happy to be flexible in making exceptions to give him more time with the children if he'd like. If he's interested, suggest that you set up a regular way of communicating with each other to arrange the children's visitations. You could also explain that it's best not to make children into messengers after a divorce.

When you communicate to your daughter about the temporary change you're making, explain that you're always happy to hear about her feelings, but that you and her dad will work out what's best for her. Let's hope her dad doesn't congratulate her on making her mom "share more" or you'll soon have a very manipulative child.

Once your children are in school regularly, it does seem to be easier for children to stay in the same home during school days. If you and your ex live near one another, weekday visits can still happen. You'll both want to consider what's fair to the children, rather than only what's fair to the parents.

For a free newsletter about helping children after divorce, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Helping Your Children Cope With Divorce at www.sylviarimm.com.

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Organizational Skills Can Be Learned

Q. I'd like to know how best to handle my 18-year-old son who finds it very difficult to organize himself. He does a lot of things, but is quite undisciplined.

A. If your son is planning to attend college or take a job, he'll need to organize himself reasonably. Fortunately, organizational skills can be learned, but one needs to be motivated to learn them. By age 18, this needs to be your son's responsibility and if you remind him too many times, he's likely to avoid organization in opposition to you. If he's doing well in school and with his extra- curricular activities, you can be less worried; but if his grades are poor because of his disorganization, an evaluation by a psychologist before he enters adult life could be helpful to him.

For a free newsletter about organizational skills, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or visit www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice (For Wed, Mar 25, 2009)

Bright Boy Underachieves

Q. I have a 15-year-old son whose teachers have been telling me for years what a smart kid he is, if only he would work harder. He knows we expect A's and B's. He just received his midterms and had one F and three C's. I believe he's not trying hard enough. He has an easy schedule with band, no sports and a study hall. I can't find anything that motivates him. He chooses not to do his work, then scrambles to make it up. I've tried nagging him, as well as leaving it up to him. He was part of a gifted and talented program when in elementary school but dropped out because it wasn't cool. What can I do?

A. By now your "cool," gifted son has no doubt lost confidence in his ability to get good grades, and being "cool" is unlikely to lead to motivation. Sometimes you can re-engage a child when he finds an interest or a career direction he wants to follow, so don't give up. Undoubtedly, early on his schoolwork seemed easy and he could get good grades without effort. Perhaps he wanted to escape being called a nerd or a geek by working harder as the curriculum became more difficult. By now, he probably has many bad habits and little academic confidence.

It's never too late to have him evaluated by the school or a private psychologist. Test scores may now be lower than his actual ability because he's been underachieving for a long time. Psychologists can give you some ideas about his strengths and weaknesses and can even work with you and him in relation to motivation. Considering that college and the real world aren't far away, that may help to motivate some improvement. My book "Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades And What Your Can Do About It," (Great Potential Press, 2008) should be helpful.

For free newsletters about underachievement syndrome or growing up too fast, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Solving the Mysterious Underachievement Problem" or "Growing Up Too Fast" at www.sylviarimm.com.

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United Family Needs Direction

Q. I've just had my family reunited, and I'm having a hard time getting some cooperation out of them. I have 13- and 5-year-old boys, and 10- and 4-year-old girls. They're a set of characters. What do I have to do to get more harmony and add some self-discipline to my home? I'd like us to grow as a family, because they're intelligent and logical little people. This is really bothering me.

A. You haven't told me what disrupted your family earlier and now brings them together, but uniting a family after separation does require leadership. You may want to begin by thinking of an agenda of priorities such as chores, homework routines, guidelines for privacy and respect, fun times together, etc. Then determine a set time for weekly family meetings, so the children feel like they can be part of solving family issues and own some decision-making. You'll need to be clear about everyone sharing in both responsibilities and respect. Hopefully, you'll be able to help your children to understand that positive consequences, like having fun together or allowances, arrive when everyone cooperates, and negative consequences occur when children aren't responsible. I think you'll find my award-winning parenting book, "How to Parent So Children Will Learn," (Great Potential Press, 2008), very helpful in bringing your children together and blending their needs, their personalities and their love.

For a free newsletter about How to Parent So Children Will Learn, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.seejanewin.com for more information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice: Military Deployments Difficult for Children

Sunday March 22, 2009

Military Deployments Difficult For Children
Sylvia Rimm

Q. I have been on your Web site and could not find anything on the topic of military deployments and children. I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and we have weathered three one-year long deployments successfully. We have a 3-year-old little boy and this will be our first deployment with a child. A year without a daddy is far from ideal and I am worried. When I think about it, my heart breaks for him. I had to build a callus over my heart to live in these cycles of deployments. Yes, I know that "people do it all the time," and that "children are resilient," and most "turn out fine." I am searching for advice on what to do before deployment, during deployment and after deployment that will maximize my son's mental health. I want this year to have the least damaging effect as possible. Do you have advice?

A. Thanks for bringing this omission to my attention. I will not only answer your question, and place it on my Web site, but I'll invite other military families to write in their questions on my Web site and prioritize answering their questions. It is a small way in which I can express my appreciation to our troops and to their families for the sacrifices they're making for our country.

You are correct that "children are resilient" and most "turn out fine," but nevertheless this will be a difficult time for you, your husband and your son. Your most important priority is to build a support system for yourself and your son. Finding close family members and friends with whom you can socialize and celebrate holidays and birthdays is crucial. If there are other military families with one parent away on deployment, that can help your little guy to not feel so alone without his daddy.

Before your husband leaves, help him put together a book of pictures and messages you'll be able to share with your son a page at a time while his dad isn't able to communicate with him. For example, there can be Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, first day of spring pages, so that in case there are long periods of time that you can't actually communicate there will be greetings and stories you can share with your son from his dad. While your husband is gone, cell phone calls, e-mails and pictures sent both ways can help your husband feel close to your son's growing up and can help your son understand what his daddy is doing and where he is. You can involve your little guy in sending care packages to his dad as well. Talk to your son about his daddy for a little while each day. While you can express how much you miss his daddy and how much daddy misses you both, be reasonably matter-of-fact about it, although occasional tears are also good emotions to express.

Finally, about a month before your husband comes home, it can be time to start counting days off on a calendar to get ready for the hugs and kisses that you and your son yearn for. Blending dad back into the family can be somewhat difficult, but if you don't make significant changes in routine for the year that dad is gone, then you won't have to make huge changes when he returns. Also, if you've managed to keep your husband updated on your son's development, it will be somewhat smoother for him to adjust to coming home.

For a free newsletter about "How To Parent So Children Will Learn," send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.