Sylvia Rimm's Parenting Advice - Sunday April 19, 2009

Child With Differences Can Find Friends

Q. We have three children, an 11-year-old boy, 8-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy. Our oldest child is one of the youngest kids in his suburban middle school's sixth-grade class. He's in gifted classes, is quite mature and gets straight A's. Our family believes in eating organic food, living environmentally consciously and not watching TV (except for an occasional cartoon or educational program). We strictly limit video games in terms of type and usage time. There are many things that set my 11-year-old apart from his peers. I'm noticing that as he begins his middle-school experience, his differences with his peers are increasing, and I'm concerned about how this will impact his middle-school (and down the line, high school) experiences.

Do you have any thoughts on how we, as parents, can help him navigate these difficult years so that he will come out of them on the other side with his self-esteem and curiosity intact? I believe my 11-year-old would thrive in a small liberal arts college where he could pick and choose his classes, have the luxury of delving into areas of interest, questioning everything to his heart's desire, and where his individuality would be nurtured and cherished.

A. Although your son's environment is different than the majority of children in his school, I'm sure he's not the only child whose family has reduced the media impact on their children. On the other hand, media impact affects all children whether they have direct exposure or only hear what their peers are talking about. It's likely that your son does feel different in many ways and may even feel pressured to know more about the world of his peers.

Because there are others who share your son's interests and aren't as media driven, it will be helpful if he can find a small group of like-minded peers. There may be extracurricular activities, sports, or religious groups where he can feel like he has more similarities than differences, or at least where his differences don't seem important and he's valued more for himself. If he does find such a group, he's likely to be able to navigate the rough waters of middle, high school and college comfortably. That doesn't mean he won't feel some peer pressure or have some difficult times, but they are only part of growing up and hopefully will help him to become stronger and more resilient. While every child needs some protection from environmental pressures, it's best that he experiences some problems now while he's still at home to receive parental support.

While a small liberal arts college may be your son's choice, he may also respond well to a large university where he can find a neighborhood of close friends who, again, share his values. It's too soon to determine the best fit for college, but colleges today, regardless of size, treat students as adults and expect them to take responsibility for their learning and requirements without parental assistance. Your son has quite a few years to develop the independence that he'll need in college, and his being a little younger shouldn't pose a disadvantage for him in light of his good progress at this time.

For free newsletters about keys to parenting your gifted child, choosing a college, or growing up too fast for middle schoolers, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read other parenting articles at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Summer Friends By K.R. Pinkston

Summertime is the time to be with family and friends. In the long shadows of the fading sun, we play soccer in the backyard after dinner, and then cool our taste buds with second helpings of ice cream.

This will be our last carefree summer. Next year in June or July we will move to our unknown military duty station, get ready to rent or buy a home in an unknown town, find a church to attend and a school for our son.

I worry at times that our child will not remember the carefree summers, but only the hectic summers when we moved. Therefore, I want to make this summer special and memorable.

We all sat down on a Sunday night and discussed our options for spending the summer holidays. Perhaps we could drive somewhere for a few days. Paris is close to us, and the Alps are just 3 hours away.

“What do you want to do during the summer?” I asked our son, Stefan.

“I just want to stay here and play with my friends.”

My husband and I exchanged puzzled glances. “You don’t want to go anywhere?” I asked. “See some castles? Hike up a mountain?”

“Well, I like to go see things sometimes. But a lot of my friends are leaving this summer, and if we go somewhere I won’t be here to play with them before they go. And I won’t be here to say goodbye to them.”

Why was I surprised? Unlike his parents, Stefan does not know what it is like to live and grow up in the same place year after year. Each year during the summer we make new friends when new families move in next to us; however, we also say goodbye to friends every summer. As parents, we always try to emphasize the positive, but we cannot deny that leaving friends hurts. This experience repeats itself every summer and overshadows the joy of long and carefree summer days.

I had a very different experience growing up, complaining that our family had the most boring summers. I remember sleeping in every morning and going grocery shopping for my mother after breakfast in the little corner shop up the hill. My sister and I spent hours playing with Barbie dolls, sometimes fighting over the cobalt evening gown for the dolls. I recall endless summer days playing hopscotch with my friends and riding our bikes. On sunny days we climbed the old trees that my grandfather had planted in the back yard. By August the branches hung low under the heavy weight of ripe cherries and plums. One of us stood watch to make sure our mother did not catch us eating all of the fruit (of course she knew what we were doing). Finally, the days came when we harvested fruit and vegetables together and helped our mother to make preserves.

Every year at the beginning of school I dreaded writing an essay about my holiday experiences. As for travelling, we visited relatives in the next town. How boring. There was just nothing to write about!

Yet, my boring summer holidays were precious. I know that now. My parents did not have to think about packing and moving to another duty station. I did not have to worry about losing friends, or my dad deploying for a year. Every year at the start of the school holidays, my sisters and I knew that we would spend the summer much like the previous ones.

In a way, our son leads the adventurous lifestyle that I craved as a child. Summers are not predictable and boring for Stefan, but they are also not carefree. By the end of this summer he will have said goodbye to his friends and, I hope, have made new ones. At the end of next summer he will have moved to another country and will try to make new friends again.

Still, I am determined to make this summer special for us. Stefan will go camping with his dad, and we will take some day trips together. The long days will go by fast with swimming, playing and doing crafts. I promised him that I would try to roller skate outside with him instead of practicing in our basement. He promised me to help me make some preserves.

We will hug our friends one last time. We will welcome new neighbors, who will wave goodbye to us next year. This summer will be special and memorable.