In our women's Bible study someone asked the question what is your pride and joy. I answered, "Mine is obvious: Brent."
One of the other ladies commented that Chris should be on that list, too. But, I knew in my heart that I couldn't put him on that list. I had stopped thinking of Chris as my pride and joy years ago. Perhaps that got lost in the 12 years (almost 13) since his birth. I know I was in love with him when he was born.
I feel as though Brent has given me a new lease on life.
At the time Chris was born, we had been through a whirlwind of things. We had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, gotten married, moved in with my MIL. I had to step out of my church activities for disciplinary reasons--I guess because I had sinned I wasn't worthy to be part of them anymore (I don't believe I even managed to live that down). I wasn't allowed to play in the band, sing in the choir, sing solos...until Chris was born. What had been my entire live up until that point had been stripped away.
As Chris grew older, I fell back on some old, firmly-ingrained habits. My mother had died when I was 9 and my younger brother was 5. With her death I took on kind of a mother role with my brother...but he was still my brother. I often saw him as a nuisance. That was the kind of attitude I had with Chris. More of a brotherly nuisance than a child of mine, because that's the only experience I had.
As I reflect back on how I raised Chris in his younger years, I'm continually amazed at how well Chris has turned out. Of course, I matured over the years, but still those early years were the most formative and, yet, Chris doesn't seem any the worse for wear.
But, I still feel as though I do love Brent more than Chris. I'm very proud of Chris and enjoy spending time with him and I do love him. But, it's not the same kind of adoration I have for Brent. Perhaps in a different way. I get along with Chris fine, so that's not really it. But, I knew when that friend wondered why Chris wasn't on that list, that emotionally I was not on the same level as I was with Brent. Perhaps because that bond is still very deep with Brent, and it's kind of waned with Chris as he grew older.
Anyway....anybody have the same dilemma with their multiple children?
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