Inspirational Thought

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 7:13 NIV

Friday, March 13, 2009

Another Confession

In our women's Bible study someone asked the question what is your pride and joy. I answered, "Mine is obvious: Brent."

One of the other ladies commented that Chris should be on that list, too. But, I knew in my heart that I couldn't put him on that list. I had stopped thinking of Chris as my pride and joy years ago. Perhaps that got lost in the 12 years (almost 13) since his birth. I know I was in love with him when he was born.

I feel as though Brent has given me a new lease on life.

At the time Chris was born, we had been through a whirlwind of things. We had gotten pregnant out of wedlock, gotten married, moved in with my MIL. I had to step out of my church activities for disciplinary reasons--I guess because I had sinned I wasn't worthy to be part of them anymore (I don't believe I even managed to live that down). I wasn't allowed to play in the band, sing in the choir, sing solos...until Chris was born. What had been my entire live up until that point had been stripped away.

As Chris grew older, I fell back on some old, firmly-ingrained habits. My mother had died when I was 9 and my younger brother was 5. With her death I took on kind of a mother role with my brother...but he was still my brother. I often saw him as a nuisance. That was the kind of attitude I had with Chris. More of a brotherly nuisance than a child of mine, because that's the only experience I had.

As I reflect back on how I raised Chris in his younger years, I'm continually amazed at how well Chris has turned out. Of course, I matured over the years, but still those early years were the most formative and, yet, Chris doesn't seem any the worse for wear.

But, I still feel as though I do love Brent more than Chris. I'm very proud of Chris and enjoy spending time with him and I do love him. But, it's not the same kind of adoration I have for Brent. Perhaps in a different way. I get along with Chris fine, so that's not really it. But, I knew when that friend wondered why Chris wasn't on that list, that emotionally I was not on the same level as I was with Brent. Perhaps because that bond is still very deep with Brent, and it's kind of waned with Chris as he grew older.

Anyway....anybody have the same dilemma with their multiple children?


Susan Kaye said...

I do have different feelings and relationships with my two children--a boy and a girl--but my comment is more about the woman's comment about Christ being on your list.

My confession I guess, in keeping with the monthly theme, is that I sometimes feel spiritually blackmailed into putting Jesus on every list and mentioning Him in every context.

There's an old joke about a youth leader asking a joke: "What climbs trees, chatters and stores nuts for winter?" A girl answers, "I think the answer is really a squirrel, but I'll say Jesus just to be safe."

Maybe my default settings are wrong, but I assume all believers love the Lord. Having said that, I think there times of fellowship when the object of a question is to get to know the individual me. And there have been times when, to be safe, I've larded my answers with things like, "Jesus," "reading the bible," and "only singing praise and worship songs." I was really faking it most of those times. but it sure made me look good.

It could be that I am grossly unspiritual, but when the answer is that you love roses, crave your husband's company over that of anyone else in the world, or that you enjoy reading Jane Austen, to say otherwise is cheating.

DOakley said...

I'll have to look for that comment. I must have missed it.

Christ is on my list. I make no apologies for that. I welcome anyone on this list, Christian or not, but make it quite clear the kind of content that I post on here.

Now, not everything posted is going to mention Jesus or God (My previous two posts didn't).

And I'm sure there are many that feel the same way you do, Susan. For many years I did feel that way. Then I made a church switch, have started reading the Bible more, studying it and learning from our pastor how to apply it and have found that they aren't just platitudes any more.

I find myself saying things that I would never normally (good things). I find myself remembering peoples' names and remembering to pray for them. I find myself relying more on God for every aspect of my day...from the clothes I choose in the morning, to the work I need to get done, to the words I say to my family (I have really noticed the last week or so where something stopped my temper or snappiness and I ended up saying something much calmer than what I thought I was going to say.)

I'm still learning. I will confess, again, that I don't have everything down pat. But, I can certainly see how much I've learned and the changes I've seen in myself.

So, if people want to get to know you, tell them about you. Whether or not that telling involves mentioning Christ. Maybe you just haven't decided where he fits in, yet. That's okay. That's something perhaps others can help you find out.

Everyone is at a different point in their relationship with Jesus. There's no shame in that and no one has the right to judge you because you haven't reached their plateau, yet.