Sleepless Nights by: K.R. Pinkston

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

“You know, maybe we should start a sort of sleepless military mothers club,” Laurie said. Michelle and I laughed, even though there is nothing funny about waking up every night and not being able to go back to sleep.

The conversation among the three of us turned more serious as we discovered that each of us had different reasons for being up at night. Laurie explained that she got into the habit of checking her email in the middle of the night, just to make sure she did not have an urgent message from her deployed husband. Michelle, on the other hand, said that her toddler still wakes her up during the night. Once she is awake she cannot go back to sleep because she is thinking about their upcoming move to another duty station and all the things that need to be done.

My problem is that nobody seems to sleep through the night at our home – at least not on a regular basis. One night it is my husband’s phone ringing at two in the morning, another night it is our kitty meowing because he is lonely. If it is not our son turning on lights because of a nightmare, we can hear the neighbors’ kids crying. Then there are horses right behind our backyard making a racket, or it is people who are using part of the horse stables as an all-night party hub.

Just like Michelle, once I am awake I am unable to go back to sleep. My mind starts to race until it is time to get up. But is that all? After some soul-searching I uncovered the real culprit that is robbing my night’s sleep: it is fear. It is not a life-threatening fear, one that makes you turn around and run in the opposite direction, but it is a surreptitious fear, one that penetrates your mind like a thief coming under the cover of darkness. This fear is multifaceted and takes on different shapes depending on what is going on in my daily life.

At the top of my fear list is homeschooling. As a newcomer to homeschooling I am still very sensitive to people’s negative remarks about teaching a child at home. Since we are stationed in Germany – a country where homeschooling is illegal – we are staying in the house until local schools are out at noon to avoid questions and comments from well-meaning locals. Still, my friend’s concern whether I am really doing my child a favor by teaching him myself struck a sensitive chord.

After that, my list of fear includes worries about my elderly parents and their poor health as well as my friend who is battling breast cancer. Also, our two cats are old and suffer from chronic renal failure. Of course, fear does not stop there. Deployment of my friends’ and my husband is ever present in our lives and brings with it another set of anxieties.

Oddly enough, it is during those nights when I cannot sleep that I pray the most. When the world seems to close in to overwhelm my thoughts with failure and fear, the knowledge that God walks our paths with each and every one of us is very comforting. Even though our lives are surrounded by uncertainty He is there to guide us.

Lately I have tried to push away my worries with focusing on the love that God lets me experience every day. This exercise of the mind is hard in the middle of the night. Every time I fall into the hole of fear, I climb up by cherishing the time I can teach our child, by remembering the laughter and joy I have with my parents and friends, and by knowing that His love surrounds us.

Perhaps this exercise will never get me to sleep through the night. Still, I feel more peaceful during the day, knowing that I did not waste those sleepless hours by chewing over problems. Who knows? Maybe this is His way of getting me to pray.

A New Perspective - By: Katja Pinkston

"And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed" (Romans 5: 3-5a).

I stand at the mouth of a cave. Its shape, its contents, its dangers and joys are hidden in darkness. Part of me does not want to go that way. It is easier to tread the familiar path than to venture out on your own. I feel doubtful, anxious and nervous; but, somewhere inside I also feel exhilarated and determined: we are going to make homeschooling work.

Nearly three months after school began, we pulled our son out of school and started homeschooling him.

I have never felt so uncertain of the road ahead. At night I laid awake second guessing if I should homeschool. What curriculum should I choose? What if our son doesn’t learn what he needs to learn? What if he becomes a social klutz? Do I really have what it takes to homeschool? I prayed and prayed for the right answers, when I knew them all along. My first lesson as a homeschooling mother has been to learn to let go. I must stop worrying. I must have confidence. I must trust in God.

Searching the internet, I quickly became overwhelmed by all the choices in study materials. Even as I faced these difficult decisions, He led me to the right people to help. I discovered that we live near several homeschooling mothers at our overseas duty station and they guided me through curricula and lesson plans. After talking with these experienced homeschooling mothers and getting some tips from them, my confidence increased. Still, I knew it was not going to be easy.

On the first day of homeschooling I got up half an hour earlier to meditate followed by a delicious breakfast. By eight o’clock our homeschooling adventure started with a smile, we finished at lunch and baked cookies in the afternoon. Not bad, I thought, until the second day of homeschooling arrived. On my way to help him with his first lesson in math, I bumped against the door and let go of my coffee mug that I had just filled to the brim with steaming coffee. The mug shattered on the tiles and bathed my kitchen in a mixture of cappuccino spots and ceramic pieces.

Normally an accident like that in the morning would not have mattered too much, especially when he was still going to school. I would have nurtured my burned hand in a tub of ice water, cleaned the kitchen after the pain became bearable, tossed the shattered pieces into the trash and put on a clean pair of jeans. Now, however, a homeschooler waited for my help in the living room.

“Mom! Are you coming?” He called out again. “I don’t understand what to do. Are you coming?”

Clearly he had heard the commotion in the kitchen. “Just wait. Will you!” I yelled and grabbed the paper towels to stop the puddle of coffee running under the refrigerator. I don’t remember exactly how I managed to cut my heel in my frantic attempt to soak up the worst of the spill. This mess could not get any worse.

I hobbled upstairs to get a big band aid and change clothes. My hand burned and my heel throbbed, but nothing was worse than the feeling of inadequacy. I knew I needed to forget the pain and start teaching instead of feeling frustrated and humiliated. All I could do is pray to God to give me the strength to make it through the day.

At night I reflected on the tribulations of that second day of homeschooling. We did not get through all the lessons I had wanted to cover, nor did we have as much fun together as we did on the first day. I did not know it then, but the stark contrast between these two days would repeat itself. We have some productive days where everything falls into place; however, we also have some days where everything ends up being an ordeal.

After the third week we both started getting used to the new routine. Keeping a routine has given me strength to see the light at the end of each day and rejoice in the opportunity to teach our child.

Homeschool Or Not? By K.R. Pinkston

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

I turned the calendar’s page and gaped at the capitalized black letters: AUGUST. I have been pushing the decision to the back of my brain, where it sat simmering all summer long. Now the season is here, and we have to decide whether or not to homeschool our beginning 5th grader.

When our family hiked up the grassy slopes of the Alps last month, I thought I knew the answer. How could we not take advantage of being stationed in Germany and show our son all these amazing places? With homeschooling we could easily adjust our schedule and take frequent day trips. No more wasting time every day going to school, waiting for classmates to settle or walking back and forth to different classrooms. We could be up starting with his lessons before eight in the morning and be done by lunchtime.

Of course, we could do it. After all I had homeschooled our son during 2nd grade. It made sense spending all the time he needed with reading comprehension and adjusting lessons to his personal abilities. I enjoyed teaching him at home. He did not.

“I don’t wanna be homeschooled,” he told us last week. “I wanna be with Mike and Rachel in school.”

I understand his argument. Being a military brat, he has to move every two or three years and leave his friends behind. It used to be easy for him to make friends. Ten minutes of playing with another child at the playground, and he had a new friend. That has changed as he has gotten older. After his friends moved last year, it took him many months to befriend Mike and Rachel.

I tried to reason with him. “You know, you can be with your friends in the afternoon. You don’t get that much time together in school anyway. Think of how much more time you’ll have playing outside.” His eyes rolled over. I knew he would not warm to the idea very quickly. “You could be done with your lessons by a Thursday, and then we can go on a trip to Berlin or Paris.”

“Oh.” His eyes lit up. “We can go to Disneyland in Paris. And we can go to Legoland every week. Yeah!”

I cringed. “Well, we’ll have more time to do some fun stuff, but we can’t be going to Legoland every week.”

Sighing, he turned to his Playmobil figures on the living room carpet. “I don’t wanna do homeschooling.”

I forced down my frustration and sat down beside him on the carpet. Maybe I should just make the decision and be done with it.

“You know, there’re lots of homeschooled kids in the neighborhood. You can play with them during break every day.”

“But Mike and Rachel are in school. And my other friends. I wanna be with them.”

“Yes, I know. They’re your friends.” I took a deep breath. “But we need to decide what is best for you. And homeschooling is an option. We can do it.”

I watched him toss his figures into the toy basket. “Ugh. I don’t know.” He got up and headed toward the front door. “Can I play outside?”

I sighed. “Yes, for half an hour.”

Still no decision. Where do we go from here? I read that arguments against homeschooling include the lack of social interaction for the child. Our son is outgoing, so I know that providing him with plenty of play dates and activities with other kids would be a daily effort. In addition, if my husband should deploy, we will need a break from each other every day. Still, I cannot ignore the benefits of teaching him at home, adjusting the lessons to his needs and traveling with him around Europe. Should we try homeschooling again and see how it works out? Should I even consider homeschooling, when he wants to go to school? Or, should we stick with school and give him some sense of stability and continuity?

I tossed and turned for several nights. Whatever we decide, it can take years until we see the fruits or flaws of that decision. After more days of thinking and talking with my husband and son, we agreed to let him continue with school. My arguments for homeschooling fell on deaf ears. He wants to go to school and be with his friends. We will see how that unfolds in the coming months.

Now the road of him going to school lies ahead of us. It is defined and concrete, paved with obstacles and surprises. We made our decision. Now is the season to look forward, to prepare, and to trust in the Lord.